Alone in a Crowd

I'm lonely, Person.  Really mind-destroyingly, heart-hurtingly, want to scream lonely.

I go to class lately just so that I can talk to people and have them talk back.

Not three feet from me, my fiance and his friend are watching Bourne Identity...  So why do I feel like they're on Mars?  I live with two other people, but I spend every day feeling like I've spent the last year on a desert island.

Do you ever talk to yourself?  Did you ever have an imaginary friend?  I do.  I talk to someone who's not there in my head because it keeps me sane.  Weird how insanity is the only thing that keeps me from being insane.  Sometimes the person I'm talking to is a guy, sometimes a girl, but either way, Person, there's things that never change.  My imaginary friend cares.  They notice when I'm looking up at the trees and about to walk into a puddle or off a curb.  I tripped today while I was looking up at the trees at the University because I was telling that person in my head about how there aren't trees where I grew up.  Not like there are here.  And the FLOWERS!  There are SO many.  My hometown is in the desert, so there are lots of scrub bushes and no flowers.  My grandfather grew roses for a while, but even then, they'd flower so briefly that I barely got to see them.  Here, every time I turn around, there's a new flower.  I feel like a kid in a candy store sometimes.

What was I saying?  Oh, right.  I tripped.  That happens a lot because my ankles are weird.  I was okay, though.  Just embarrassed and glad no one was around.  There are squirrels here, too.  And there were ducks up till a month ago or so.  That was the coolest thing.  They float around in the big fountain.

And I see all these things and I never have anyone to share them with, so I tell it to the person in my head.  And for awhile, Person, I feel less lonely, but then I turn to smile at them and remember that they're not really there.  Sometimes I wish I really WAS crazy because I wouldn't REALIZE that I was actually alone.  It must be nice.

I guess the person I talk to is the same in my head as you, Person, who I write these letters to, not knowing who you are or if you exist.  I guess that makes you my imaginary friend, Person, no matter what your name or face.

I think that's just a little bit sad.

So today, Person, I showed you the tree with the big flowers, and the cherry blossoms, and then I tripped and got up and dusted myself off, and we laughed and I smiled at you and we kept on walking.

I hope your day was as good as mine, Person, and I can't wait to share tomorrow with you.

~Me