2 posts tagged “depressing”

I'm lonely, Person.  Really mind-destroyingly, heart-hurtingly, want to scream lonely.

I go to class lately just so that I can talk to people and have them talk back.

Not three feet from me, my fiance and his friend are watching Bourne Identity...  So why do I feel like they're on Mars?  I live with two other people, but I spend every day feeling like I've spent the last year on a desert island.

Do you ever talk to yourself?  Did you ever have an imaginary friend?  I do.  I talk to someone who's not there in my head because it keeps me sane.  Weird how insanity is the only thing that keeps me from being insane.  Sometimes the person I'm talking to is a guy, sometimes a girl, but either way, Person, there's things that never change.  My imaginary friend cares.  They notice when I'm looking up at the trees and about to walk into a puddle or off a curb.  I tripped today while I was looking up at the trees at the University because I was telling that person in my head about how there aren't trees where I grew up.  Not like there are here.  And the FLOWERS!  There are SO many.  My hometown is in the desert, so there are lots of scrub bushes and no flowers.  My grandfather grew roses for a while, but even then, they'd flower so briefly that I barely got to see them.  Here, every time I turn around, there's a new flower.  I feel like a kid in a candy store sometimes.

What was I saying?  Oh, right.  I tripped.  That happens a lot because my ankles are weird.  I was okay, though.  Just embarrassed and glad no one was around.  There are squirrels here, too.  And there were ducks up till a month ago or so.  That was the coolest thing.  They float around in the big fountain.

And I see all these things and I never have anyone to share them with, so I tell it to the person in my head.  And for awhile, Person, I feel less lonely, but then I turn to smile at them and remember that they're not really there.  Sometimes I wish I really WAS crazy because I wouldn't REALIZE that I was actually alone.  It must be nice.

I guess the person I talk to is the same in my head as you, Person, who I write these letters to, not knowing who you are or if you exist.  I guess that makes you my imaginary friend, Person, no matter what your name or face.

I think that's just a little bit sad.

So today, Person, I showed you the tree with the big flowers, and the cherry blossoms, and then I tripped and got up and dusted myself off, and we laughed and I smiled at you and we kept on walking.

I hope your day was as good as mine, Person, and I can't wait to share tomorrow with you.

~Me

Dear Person,

I got up this morning thinking about how easy my life is, and yet, how hard it is to keep living it.  Do you ever feel that way?  I'm a student..  Pretty simple, right?  Go to class, do your papers, take your tests.  I don't even work because my fiance is the most wonderful, supportive man on the planet.  So why do I get on the bus every day with feet that feel like lead?  Why does my easy as pie life seem so terribly heavy?  Most people would kill for this life.  Why do I just want to die and leave it for them?  I'm sitting in a Starbucks right now, cause it was too hard to go to classes today, even though I LIKE my classes for the most part, writing this letter to you because it feels like there's no one else in the world who I can talk to right now.

Do you ever drown in what's not being said?  I love my fiance with all my heart, but I feel like I'm suffocating under the weight of what we don't talk about.  We've been engaged for two years, Person.  Two years.  We've had sex three times.  The last time was over a year ago.  It's not his fault.  He has a documented medical condition, but... Is it selfish of me to still take it personally?  I like sex.  I miss it.

I opened our home to a friend of his, and honestly, Person, I don't regret it, but sometimes I miss being alone.  His friend is very un-worldly, I guess is the best word.  He's from a small, isolated, rural town.  He and I clash a lot because I'm so open-minded, and he's... not.  Except he is... He really just can't decide if he's against, afraid, for, or fascinated by people who are different.  And sometimes I get the feeling that he's fighting me for control of my fiance.  But then he says something bigoted and stupid and the feeling fades.  And that's another of those things that never gets said because the minute I call him on his prejudiced attitudes, he just rolls his eyes and ignores me.

I hate people who revel in their ignorance.  How do you deal with it, Person?

Have you ever been in love?  I have.  Twice.  The first time was with my best friend.  She rejected me, and didn't speak to me for two years after I told her.  I still know her voice by heart.  It's funny, she turned me down because I'm a girl, but three years later, she's planning a commitment ceremony with her female lover.  Life is just full of ironies.  My second love is my fiance.  He takes good care of me, which most people see as me taking advantage of him.  I do.  The first year, I took care of him, but he lives to serve me, in a very literal sense.  It makes him feel guilty to take anything from me.  Our relationship is very different from 'normal' relationships, and that makes it hard to keep balanced.  We are NOT equals.  He has anxiety attacks when making the slightest decision because he is positive he's going to pick the 'wrong' answer.  Most days he can't even deal with deciding what to have for dinner.  I decide everything.  It's a lot of responsibility, but I think that's the only part of my life that doesn't weigh on me.  I'm constantly afraid of disappointing him, but that's more with my own actions.  Guiding him and keeping him centered is freeing for both of us.  We don't get to give in to that need as often as we like, though...

I hope, Person, that you have a place where you feel free.  For me, that place isn't so much a location as a... guise, I guess.  I feel free when I'm freeing someone else.  I've hinted and danced around it before, Person, but I might as well say it plainly.  I am a dominatrix.  Now that you probably have a mental image of a tall thin blond in head to toe leather, let me disillusion you.  I AM tall, but I've never been called thin, even in my wildest dreams.  I prefer to wear loose cotton when I 'work' because leather takes forever to break in.  I'm not blonde, and I don't have a forbidding countenance or exotic accent/name.  I have big green eyes that are frequently 'spacey' as I've been told, and long, dirt brown hair.  My accent is normal (to me) American English, and I've never even BEEN to Europe.  I don't go out to bars every night (or ever, now that I think about it), and I certainly don't have a retinue of attractive male (or female) followers, though I wish I did.  I don't have piercings or tatoos or a room full of scary torture equipment.  I own one flogger and a crop.  Both were gifts and have great sentimental value.  My life is just like yours, really, only different.  Which makes less sense on paper than it did in my head.

I'm incurably curious about people, Person.  I love talking to them and finding out how they think.  Maybe that's why the things that aren't said weigh on me so.  I like going to chat rooms to look for interesting people, but I think I come off as a dork cause nobody ever responds to what I post.  Do you ever have that problem?  For instance, I was directed to the webcam chat of this unbelievably adorable shemale a couple days ago, and (in a room filled with requests that she flash the audience,) I simply wanted to compliment her on her hair.  Stupid, huh?  She ignored me, which makes me feel really dumb, but I still go and watch the cam because she's just so cute and funny.  I just don't talk anymore.  Do you ever do stupid shit like that?  Is it bad that I hope you do?  Not because I want you to, but because I don't want to be all alone in my embarrassment.

Do you like to read, Person?  I don.  I have hundreds of books, and I read online almost all day.  Fantasy, scifi, romance, even school texts, I like them all.  I write, too, when inspiration strikes.  What are your favorite stories, Person?  Mine are angsty, longing stories with happy endings and a dash of sex just because sex is fun.  It doesn't particularly matter to me what gender the main characters are, but I like male\male best because it has the most variety, I think.  That's my guilty pleasure, Person.  Reading m/m comics and stories.  I like being a girl, really, but sometimes I think it'd be fun to be a boy.  Do you like your gender 100% of the time, Person?

What are your interest, Person?  I like languages and foreign history.  I've studied French and am currently studying Japanese.  My favorite history is Indian history.  There are some CRAZY characters in the history of that area.  Chinese history is really fascinating, too.  Western history is too glossed over for my tastes, though, really.  What's your favorite country, Person?  Oddly enough, India's not mine.  My favorite modern country is Japan.  I don't like Japanese history except the daily life aspects.  The rulers and wars and politics are kinda dull, but the traditions and everyday aspects are incredibly beautiful.

I'm running out of things to talk about, but I don't want to end this conversation.  Isn't that sad?  I don't know if anyone is ever going to read this, much less who, but I still can't stop babbling.  I guess I just wanted to say some of those things that don't ever get said.  It was nice meeting you, Person.  May the goddess smile down on your days and watch over your nights.  May you live and love and laugh and never have to listen to the silence of the things that don't get said.

~Me